Paul Ross loses title of 'Worst Presenter Called Ross'

Should anyone have thought Alan Partridge was fiction:



[Courtesy of The Guardian]

Radio awards and MBEs must have been very easy to come by, once upon a time...

Random ponderance

If prose flows
Shouldn't a poem
Rhy-em?

News from the world of copywriting:

In March, I made up a quote for someone as part of an article (I was asked to; he was important and didn't have time to make up quotes of his own). I wondered if it had been a good quote. Today, I was reading background materials for another article I've been asked to write, and there he was again, not saying exactly the same thing.

How many times has he not said this, I wondered? Probably every day of his life, and yet to my knowledge it has only been reported twice. I was comforted; I can stop worrying. He's evidently not as important as I thought.

Walking news:

When overtaking a line of elderly people walking slowly with sticks you don't expect one of them to blindly attempt an overtaking maneuvre of her own just as you draw level - or at all, quite frankly (apart from the blind part, possibly). That very nearly ended in disaster.

But tell me, which of us was the fool to be in such a hurry?

(Yes, her. Obviously. This isn't an American sitcom with a neat moral at the end).

No old people were hurt in the making of this blog post. Just mildly startled.

Yet another thing overheard*

On the way back from looking at the Tall Ships, Falmouth Docks, Wednesday:

WOMAN: Oh no, you'd be amazed at what you can get into these wellingtons.


*I guess my hearing must have improved.

Another thing overheard

Walking down the main street, Falmouth, this afternoon:

SMALL BOY: Indiana Jones hates me.

Things recently overheard

INT. TESCO.

Small child: (VERY LOUDLY AND VERY INDIGNANTLY) I am NOT making any NOISE!

INT. COSTA COFFEE. TWO BOYS ARE PLAYING ON A SOFA BEHIND THEIR PARENTS' BACKS; THE PARENTS ARE TALKING TO ANOTHER COUPLE:

Father: (WITHOUT EVEN TURNING TO LOOK) Whatever you're doing, stop it.

At least, I think it was only three...

An intelligence test for people with two mobile phones:

Step 1. Use Phone A to call Phone B (perhaps, to test that you haven't broken it), then promptly forget all about this.

Step 2. Some hours later, discover a missed call on Phone B and try to return it.

Step 3. If Phone A should happen to ring while you're trying to do this, mutter in irritation, hang up, and try to answer it. If whoever was phoning has rung off try to call them back.

Repeat steps 2 and 3, getting ever more exasperated, for as many times as it takes you to suddenly feel very, very foolish indeed.

Scores:

1 repetition = Intelligent enough, though perhaps slightly more than averagely forgetful.
2 repetitions = Consider whether your ambitions in life might not be realistic after all. Or better still, ask someone more intelligent to do it for you.
3 repetitions = Try to laugh off your own alarming mental deterioration in the form of a dimly humourous blog post.

Things that get on my nerves

No. 12,207: Tea-towels that merely re-distribute the moisture. Almost as pointless as those competitive walking events at the Olympics.

Incidentally, by the way... what collection of twisted and dangerous individuals thought, "Yes, that's a sane and reasonable idea, let's hand out medals every four years to the three people in the world who can run least slowly while appearing to walk"? It's the sporting equivalent of the moonwalk. Or Olympic ventriloquism.

In 2012, therefore, I want to see competitors wearing a white glove on one hand and punctuating their bizarre waddles with frequent high-pitched yelps and groin grabs. And time penalties for any yelps that don't appear to have come from the creepy puppet on the end of their other hand; or if a judge spots their lips moving.

I mean, it's not as if that would look an awful lot madder than it does already...

No. 12,209: The number 12,208. No reason, and by tomorrow I'm sure it'll have passed.

No. 12,210: Competitive walking, apparently.

UPDATE: A little something for anyone unfamiliar with the walking race (note the commentator's telling Freudian slip at about -1:10):

Perez wins men's walk by nearly a minute @ Yahoo! Video

Apparently, even the home of Takeshi's Castle finds speed-walking a bit mad:

Apparently it can

Tourists (presumably) on the decking outside Costa Coffee, Market Street, Falmouth, 18/8/08.

What's not clear from the photo is that it was raining fairly heavily. They stayed out there for ages...

And they weren't even smokers (not even the kids).

It can't rain all the time...

A little something by Jane Siberry, optimistically dedicated to the Cornish summer:

Discover Jane Siberry!

Also known as "that song from The Crow soundtrack" (for that matter, Jane Siberry herself is also known as Issa, these days), it's kind of a slow-burner... but if you like spacy, ethereal, and sort of gradually transcendent it's defintely worth a listen.

Pragmatic job adverts

I like to imagine they unsuccessfully advertised for the careful kind, then lowered their expectations:

Casual Art Handling Technicians

£11.85 per hour - Tate St Ives, Cornwall

Original advert here (well, you never know, there might be someone clumsy enough reading this...).