Thursday, May 22, 2008

Hamster In A Coma

Google suggests that this, apparently, wasn't one of the tabloid headlines when Richard Hammond was in that car crash a couple of years ago, even if I do seem to remember things entirely differently... Anyway, I'm not really sure why I happened to think about that, but it did lead me to wondering about this:

What other Morrissey or Smiths song titles might benefit from the inclusion of one or more fluffy rodents?

Here are my suggestions (plus, possible themes and subject matter; oh, and a couple of non-rodents):

There Is A Gerbil That Never Goes Out - highlighting the serious issue of rodent agoraphobia.

Squirrel, Squirrel, Down We Go Together - Morrissey entreats a reluctant squirrel to join him on a slide.

Death Of A Disco Dormouse - a cautionary tale about resisting the lure of the bright lights.

We Hate It When Our Ferrets Become Successful - elegy to bitter Music Hall acts whose animal partners struck out on their own.

I Keep Mice Hidden - Morrissey confesses to having frequently ended games of Hide & Seek without telling anyone.

That Vole Isn't Funny Anymore - somewhat blunt lament to a rodent's squandered comic talent.

Big Mouse Strikes Again - Thatcher-era nonsense about Mickey joining a trade union.

You're The One For Me, Ratty - Morrissey makes plain his feelings; to the disappointment of Mole, Badger, and Mr Toad.

Vicar In A Coypu - the less said, the better (to quote the Catholic Church).

Pretty Girls Make Cavies - Morrissey finally explains his misgivings about heterosexual entanglements (see also, Some Girls Are Bigger Than Otters).

Have-A-Go Marmot - anthem to a vigilante ground squirrel.

Suffer Little Chinchilla - decidedly upsetting ballad, in which it becomes clear that Morrissey wasn't always so deeply committed to animal rights (see also, Marmot On The Guillotine).

This Lemming Man - protest song, in which Morrissey parodies the migratory urges of others while blithely ignoring his own domiciliary arrangements.

Squirrel Loves Me - following initial reticence, something beautiful unexpectedly blossoms at the foot of a playground slide.

More songs listed here, should anyone else fancy joining in...


patroclus said...

Some Girls Are Bigger Than Otters - ha!

Heaven Knows I'm Mus Musculus Now really made me laugh too.

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

Thanks :) That otters one was my favourite too - not exactly rodents, but never mind.

Sean McManus said...

Love it! I'd like to be able to contribute, but while Morrissey songs are in plentiful supply, I think you've exhausted the rodents. And there is an oft-cited comedy writing rule that a rodent is only funny the first time it's mentioned.

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

Cheers, Sean. Might be some scope with chipmunks...

Oh, and "I think you've exhausted the rodents" is an excellent sentence to find in any comments thread :)

Tim Footman said...

The More You Ignore Me, The Gopher I Get

I Want A Beaver My Birthday

Life Is A Guineapigsty

Haredresser On Fire

Papa Jackrabbit

And I know it's not actually a rodent either, but...

Meerkat Is Murder

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

Excellent stuff - especially the last one :)

I hoped a proper Smiths fan might happen along.