Today I am wearing black
There is a national crisis upon us.
No, not bird flu.
Nor the ever-present threat of terrorism. Nor even short people with umbrellas. No, this is a real crisis; a crisis almost too dreadful even to contemplate:
A NATIONWIDE SHORTAGE OF HUMMUS.
[Lines intentionally left blank to allow you all a moment to compose yourselves. I know I had to when confronted by the equally vacant spaces on the shelves of Tesco.]
It seems that earlier this week, Britain's major supermarkets recalled all stocks of hummus; it was suspected that some may have been contaminated with salmonella.
Fair enough, perhaps.
But what is most worrying here is not the possibility of salmonella. Rather, it has exposed an even more alarming state of affairs: there is just one manufacturer supplying almost all the hummus in Britain. Just one. Think about that. Think what it means.
That's right, all it needs is for one little thing to go wrong and suddenly we're all hummus-less. Just one little thing. Hummus-less.
Hummus-less...
Just like now.
It has been almost a week, but who knows how much longer we will all have to suffer? Who knows when hummus will be on sale again? Who knows when our quality of life will return to tolerable levels? No-one is saying.
Yes, sooner or later, things will return to normal. But what of the future?
Something must be done.
The monopoly must be broken. We cannot allow the supply of such a vital resource to remain in the apparently rather badly washed hands of just one company. A stable, consistent and diversified supply of hummus is essential. Only then will we be able to sleep soundly in our beds at night. Only then will we be able to once more contemplate the future. Only then will life once again be worth living.*
Hmm?
Well... yes, OK, I suppose, we could just make our own, but...
Look, just shut up.
UPDATE: On the bright side, I've been prompted to re-evaluate the merits of tzatziki. Yum!
Why I didn't like it when I was a kid I'll never know. [Shakes head] All those wasted years...
UPDATE 2: I still don't get taramasalata.
*I suppose the "once again" part's kind of debatable, but anyway...
6 comments:
A-ha. How many times I told you to make your own? Here's your next shopping list: garlic, lemon, chick peas, tahini, sea salt and a blender.
Speaking of which, I forgot to say there was a Tesco receipt as an attachment of the Chevillard book.
Quite interesting :)
[Sighs] If only I could afford a blender...
...I'd probably just spend the money on CDs.
But still...
You can always try to squeeze the chick peas with your Celine Dion CDs.
Celine Dion?!!
What an accusation!
Harumph.
Well, I certainly wouldn't put them in my stereo (chickpeas or Celine Dion CDs - although the former would probably sound better).
Oops. Sorry.
I meant if you owned two Celine Dion CDs, you could put the chick peas between them and jump up and down, but obviously you don't.
Nope, I don't :)
Still, that does sound a satisfying way to spend a few minutes...
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