Saturday, February 17, 2007

Hermitry - an apology

I've been in a strange mood for a few days. I get like this sometimes. Sort of disconnected. Disengaged. I can be out with friends, but I'm just not there. Neither am I really anywhere else; just not wherever I am. It has nothing to do with the company. In fact, the company can be excellent, as indeed it has been - there are so many brilliant people on this course. But I just sit there; sometimes snapping out of it for a second when something familiar catches my ear, before sinking back into wherever it was that I was, or perhaps wasn't, the second before. But mostly I'm just not there. Then I start worrying that people think it's something to do with them. If they even notice, that is. Which maybe they do. And maybe they don't. I wouldn't really know: I'm not there; or not quite. But, like I said, it's nothing to do with the company.

Right now, I could be at a burlesque / circus / music thing at Tremough. It sounds like fun. And I know people will be there who I really like, people with whom I have had some wonderful times (though I always have trouble telling anyone I feel either of those things). But I just know how it would go.

When I'm like this there's no choice but to take a couple of days out. Recharge. Visit the beach, perhaps. Staring at the water, the sky, the horizon always calms me, takes me out of myself, beyond myself. And sometimes I just wander - mentally / physically, either's good.

I don't know what it is exactly, this disconnected feeling, or what exactly causes it, but these days I know how to spot it; how to solve it: take a few days out. On my own - that's the crucial thing. But just a few - beyond that madness lies. A rather quiet and introverted madness, but madness nonetheless. So, that's what I've been doing. Hopefully, I won't have offended anyone with my self-imposed hermitry. It's just me. It's just recharging. Taking some time to let my mind stretch out and untangle itself; for it to unwind, I guess.

Really, it's just a matter of breaking the chain: the more days I spend feeling disconnected, the more disconnected I start to feel. But that's the chain broken now. Most likely, then, I'll be back to my usual, marginally less unsociable, self by Monday. So that's something for us all to look forward to. Ho hum.

Hmm. What a cheery post.

Next time: the best music to slash your wrists to,* probably. Woo hoo!

*Not really, of course. Although, you could do worse than Joy Division.


Jacqui said...

Hope you're feeling a bit more connected now. For music to cut your wrists to you may want to read the lyrics of a song by Lamb, posted on my blog (The Planet Ug) under Wallowing I think.
However my advice would be don't. Cut your wrists that is.

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

I seem to remember hearing (and liking) some Lamb a while ago - will have to get downloading. Not that I'm going to cut my wrists you understand.

Anyway, thanks a lot for your comment and link. And, yep, I'm generally feeling fairly connected at the moment - a few days time-out normally does the trick.