Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Well, I suppose it's for my own good...

I haven't blogged much lately, have I? There are, of course, reasons for this neglect - I expect - but I'm damned if I can be bothered to wonder what they might be, so let's just agree that it's all some kind of unsolvable mystery, shall we? Is that OK?

Good.

Because that always sounds so much more edifying than chronic laziness...

Anyway, while I've been away: somewhere in the back of my head - evidently very quietly and sneakily, because ordinarily I wouldn't stand for such treachery and open rebellion - my brain appears to have been thinking. Yes, thinking. Making decisions even. Bothersome bloody thing. I mean, it would have been nice if it had at least consulted me first, before traipsing off and planning my life without me. But, oh no, not my br...

Well, anyway, I want some sleep, so I suppose I'd better hand over the blogpost now. Or so the blackmail note reads. Sigh.

Go on then, brain, get on with it:

Thanks. So nice to feel welcome... I should imagine.

But down to business:

My grudging host has already referred to his neglect of this blog; sadly, it's not the only one upon which he has been bestowing his abundant laziness. Indeed, over the past year, his taking-place-in-the-future blog has received even more generous helpings. So much so, that it's now in the past. Well, enough of this laxity! There shall be changes around here. Just see if there aren't!

And indeed that's the point: you readers will see quite clearly if there aren't. So, once they've been promised and detailed here, there'll have to be changes. What those changes shall be I shall come to in due course, but first a few words about myself:

Clearly, I am not really a brain, merely a postmodern affectation designed to distance its author from the sincerity of his own intentions. He's woefully fond of postmodern affectations, you'll have noticed. Less so, of appearing sincere when he sets out to do anything at which he might fail. I am here because he has plans: optimistic plans. He's always distrusted optimistic plans. All the more reason, then, to announce them in such a way that, should they fail, it might at least appear, later, that he hadn't been stupid enough to wholly believe in them.

So that's that plan scuppered.

[Sighs] Well, unless this is yet another layer of distancing - delivered by a "brain" from which he has already disassociated himself, can the intentions behind any of these words be trusted either?

Hmm, the brain as unreliable narrator - now there's a metaphor! He'd probably be quite proud of that, if he'd thought of it...

But I digress. It's about time I committed him to these blog changes: I can't keep him awake forever, and he's not weasling out of them again.


So, the changes:

- Not 4'33" shall be revived. Some time within the next fortnight. Exact details still to be decided upon.

- This blog shall, at least once a month, provide some kind of update on the progress of its writer's writing career. The intention being that if progress reports are expected of him, he will be forced to have some progress to report. Exact details to be decided, but will probably include: a rough idea of the kind of jobs done; remuneration; hours worked; practicalities of working freelance; the usual tiresome whinging. It is hoped that such information might prove useful to someone; though the cathartic whinging, probably only to him.

- Across both blogs, there shall be a combined total of at least three new posts a week. Perhaps to include the odd review of things and/or stuff. Probably both: there's a lot more space to fill...

- Only heavy workload/computery difficulties/illnesses-other-than-colds shall be an excuse for lapses from the above. So, another reason to hope for a heavier workload...

- The author will now interject in such a way as to irrevocably collapse this stupid distancing thing.



I said: "The author will now interject in such a way as to irrevocably collapse that stupid distancing thing"!


Hmm?

Oh. You've finished.


[Sighs] Fine:

I'll do all that stuff.


God, postmodern affectations can get you in to some awful messes...

11 comments:

miss-cellany said...

Oh so perhaps the postmodern is not 'a small furry mammal dwelling in the basements of academic institutions, rarely seen but often discussed' after all.

But - if you are experiencing 'affectations' that might suggest that you have made friends, or, indeed, even seen one?

Taiga the Fox said...

If the brain as unreliable narrator is getting on your nerves show it what's in your closet, I say. That should scare him/her. Unless it's not that what you keep in your closet, but an owl instead. Especially a macrame owl. Which might scare him/her as well. It would make me scream a bit anyway. Actually, can a man have a femimine brain?

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

I did a test to find that out once. The answer was... um... inconclusive [in other words, yes, slightly, apparently... but the test only had about 9 questions, and was on daytime telly...].

Also: whose closet, Taiga? :)

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

M-C: No, I still like your small furry mammal theory. For one thing, if postmodernism is Stan Laurel, that makes me Oliver Hardy, and I'm not nearly that fat.

Yet.

Though, perhaps, after some more Toblerone...

Taiga the Fox said...

Yours closet obviously, OPC, I don't keep that kind of things in my closet. Who do you think I am? Foxerella? But I may have to use it if you keep watching daytime telly.

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

:) The daytime telly thing was years ago. I only waste my time with quality television now - God bless (and curse) the internet...

miss-cellany said...

Do you remember Twin Peaks? :)

ps So If you ever say you are busy does that imply that you are in fact watching Jeremy Kyle on the internet? (TtF you might need to use it after all...)

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

Jeremy Kyle? Only ever as part of Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe (I did say quality television. Mind you, I suppose I didn't specify low or high...).

Today, 'busy' meant reading endless stuff, stuff and more bloody stuff about movie downloads, DRM and piracy (not of the Jack Sparrow type, though, so don't get excited), and wondering how to persuade myself to write 1000 words about it... A mystery which I shall have to solve tomorrow morning, if I want my £80, as I have now quite run out of brain.

Taiga the Fox said...

[M-S: Sigh. I think I have to.]
Who is Jeremy Kyle? I know Kyle MacLachlan, though. Hmmm... I have always wanted to say these words to someone [so I might kind of say them here now]: "My name is Margaret Lanterman. I live in Twin Peaks. I am known as the Log Lady. There is a story behind that."

Well, not really. Besides, I don't keep logs in my closet either.

miss-cellany said...

TtF - You really don't want to know anything more about Jeremy Kyle other than he is the epitomy of all that is wrong, in every sense of the word. This is him, but really don't advise watching too much!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Dw3zxL-yahU&feature=related

This is more accurate...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=MPZcN-PiomI&feature=related

And this is just to bring a smile on a rainy day..

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=o2WF1aH-9-c

Owls and doughnuts have never been the same ever since...

OPC - I think your errant brain has been seen here

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Arajua9lxYA

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

Yep, whenever I actually want my brain to think, that's almost exactly what it does. Only for much, much longer...

Oh, and the Jon Culshaw clip was great :) The very essence of Jeremy Kyle (a cake ingredient, incidentally that no-one should ever use).